Time with the Girls

This picture was taken in the beginning of the summer... I spent some time with 4 of our youth girls (one's not pictured) creek stomping, swimming in uncomfortably cold water, and taking crazy cool pictures. Definitely one of the best days ever... :)

Funny Stuff...

This guy makes me smile. :) I found him randomly on YouTube, and now am a fan of his very... interesting, self-made movies.

Here's another one for your personal viewing pleasure... one part is a little... well.. violating, but I'm sure you'll get over it.

Camera Happy

Watch Me Unfold...

So... this girl's been single for 21 years and counting. No dating... no physical contact (romantically speaking) with a guy... ever. I've held to the "I'm not dating because I'm waiting" standard for so long, and shunned every chance at a relationship. Lately, I've been questioning my reasoning for this. I seem to be drawing a blank. Please, don't get me wrong... I am quite far away from conforming to the practice of "recreational dating", or even dating to begin with. I am fully convinced that courting is the way to go.

The word of God says that we are to be "above reproach", and that we are not to give the appearance of sin. Clearly, it is not acceptable to be alone with a guy in a situation that would lead him or I to sin either in thought or deed. However... does that ban me from holding relationships with the opposite sex, getting to know them on a personal level, and learning to be comfortable around them? No!

I've held up a wall between myself and men anywhere near my age. I believe that there are three reasons for this...

1. Flat out legalism.
   It sure sounds good to say that I'm remaining physically and emotionally pure first for the Lord's sake, and secondly for the sake of the one that He could potentially bring into my life. However, what does all that mean unless it is with a purpose? Was it only to sound higher and holier than my peers? Was it a desperate attempt to be different? Different for what/whom? The Lord, or myself?
   
   
2. Inability to appeal.
   Maybe I'm just afraid to admit that I don't appeal to the opposite sex. I don't really fit into those desired parameters. I haven't had to deny many askers... and It's much simpler to say, "I don't date" than to tell the truth about the situation.
   
   
3. Fear of Exposure
   To be in a relationship, you must be open. To be open requires one to be vulnerable, and it terrifies me to think of someone seeing who I really am. Maybe I won't be what they want. Will I change just to fit who they think I am, or who they think I should be? Will my imperfections drive them away? Will they understand my clumsy speech, and racing thoughts? Possibly not... and it's hard to imagine revealing myself to that extent. I want to be known... I really do. No lies in that statement.
   
   
   

This is the first time I've been completely honest about all of this. I don't know what else to do at this point. There comes a time for a person to face maturity, and for me that means that I must leave behind false realities and live in an honest way. I've decided to unfold... to become honestly and genuinely open. I love the people that the Lord has placed in my life but yet, I push them away with such force sometimes. I've pushed so much, and it seems as though I've backed myself into a corner.

"What I can remember
is a lot like water
trickling down a page
of the most beautiful colors
I can't quite put my
finger down on the moment
that I became like ... this

you see, I'm the bravest girl
you will ever come to meet
and yet I shrink down to nothing
at the thought of someone
really seeing me
I think my heart is wrapped around
and tangled up in winding weeds

but I don't wanna go on living
being so afraid of showing
someone else my
imperfections
even though my feet are trembling
and every word I say comes stumbling
i will bare it all
watch me unfold
unfold

These hands that I hold
behind my back are
bound and broken by my own doing
and I can't feel
anything, anymore
I need a touch to remind me
I'm still real..

my soul
It's dying to be free
I can't live the rest of my life
so guarded
it's up to me to choose..
what kind of life I lead.

cause I don't wanna go on living
being so afraid of showing
someone else my
imperfections
even though my feet are trembling
and every word I say comes stumbling
I will bare it all
watch me unfold
unfold

I will allow someone to love me
I will allow someone to love me"
Unfold by Marie Digby

Emotionally Driven

It seems that each moment this week has been a battle to not let my "desperately wicked" heart and fleeting emotions govern my time. I hate it that I'm so driven by emotions, but I can't escape the flesh that I still dwell in. I can only ask that my Lord would grant me access to the heavenly realm of thought, and "away-time" from this wicked body of death.

What a morbid start to what was supposed to be a happy entry... sorry, folks.

On a different note... today, I experienced the smell of comfort. Goodness... I'm starting to sound New Age. Trust me, that could not be further away from my religious classification. Anyway- I walked into the elevator at school and for some reason, it smelled like peppermint with a hint of soft musk. Perhaps the person adjacent to me was chewing some sort of gum, and was wearing musk-y perfume or something... but together, the smells reminded me of an earlier time. I can't say when exactly, but it was a pleasant smell from someplace familiar. Who ever knew that something that simple could provide a calming effect?

Well, I must go. Hopefully, I'll be back on here later reiterating the happenings of the day. For now, adieu.

Who dares go there?

I wonder how often my eyes scream, "PLEASE, know me...". After all, isn't that what we all want? I simply desire a tangible representation that I am fully known, yet still accepted. How I would love to be vulnerable to the point of real, depth-of-soul trust. The Lord knows me better than I could ever even know myself, but I long for the knowledge that another knows those deep, hidden parts of me, yet still looks in my eyes and sees a beautiful future of imperfection.

Tell me... does that one exist? Is there one willing to look past the superficial exterior and love what is buried beneath the surface?

Father, You know the depth of my longing. Teach me to patiently wait for what only You can see. I see that which is unattainable and I cry out to simply grasp that which I know I can not hold onto... only for a moment of satisfaction.